let's start here

I've started this post numerous times over the past few weeks. But it seems I'm lacking motivation to pick up the pieces and figure out which events and pictures to share. Rather than reaching back and digging in what has happened these last few weeks (months!), I think I'll be more successful if I just start in the here and now.

the here

We are still here. In Arkansas. And it's been a winter where it feels like spring. Cool temperatures well above freezing. Today, it's in the 60's, gray and overcast. The dreary sky suits my mood. Stuff with my family continues to unravel in painful ways.

But it's not fair for me to say that it's all doom and gloom over here.

There have been plenty of joyful moments:

• sewing with a new and already dear friend;
• River saying no (and so many other words in his rapidly-expanding vocabulary, though it's still mostly grunts and gestures);
• watching Liam play with his best friend Noah (and seeing his mom take the resulting toy-explosion in stride);
• seeing Linda delight in her baby and he in her;
• Gabriel opening an acceptance letter to the UofA's architecture program.

Yep, it seems that the story shall continue to be Arkansas for a while still. And I think I am okay with that.

the now

But it's the heavy stuff that weighs on me. I am sick again, and so are my boys, which only makes it harder to cope with all the dark and twisty. If I am being honest about my own weakness, I'll admit that I have been finding it all harder and harder to deal with. I am stuck in crisis mode, where you just get through every day. One day at a time. 

But it's not effective parenting. And I feel like these two are whizzing around me. I struggle to keep up. 

pictures from the Tulsa Zoo in a favorite running-in-circles hut

Most days, Liam exasperates me. He knows which buttons to push, and we get stuck in cycles where the entire day is a battle. He can be sweet, and he can be fun, but he can also be a nightmare.

Then, on Sunday, he was nearly ran over by a car while walking home from church with Gabe and River. Gabe saw the car zooming out of the alley, abruptly stopped the jogging stroller, and Liam went flying forward from his perch on the front foot rest he uses as a seat. He landed in the street, face first, just an inch or two from the tires now rolling past. The driver, busy on a cell phone, never noticed the very near miss.  

Liam was still trembling, bundled in blankets on the couch, when I got home from a meeting after church. We hugged each other and cried. Our world was almost turned upside down, and the nearness was terrifying.

It still is.

Apparently, I still have much to learn about gratitude for the present, despite the circumstances.

I'm trying to find beauty in our everyday. It's there, whether or not I grab ahold.

little e

Everett Franklin was born at 3 am today, following 22 hours of torturous labor.

My sister is amazing. She had 2 epidurals for the pain. They didn't work. She pushed for over 2 hours, and then waited 2 more once they opted for a c-section and took their time making it happen. And she was still feeling the urge to push and every bit of the pain.

But then they brought this bundle of joy out of the OR and it all made sense: 10 lbs, 6 oz of healthy baby boy. There is no way he would have come out naturally from Linda's petite little 5' frame.



After going home for a few hours sleep, I brought the boys to meet their newest cousin. River was intrigued, but a bit uncertain when the baby started murmuring some complaints.



And Liam is just smitten. 

 We all are. Everett, welcome to the world.

a little baby sweater

Tomorrow is my nephew's birthday. Well, maybe. It all depends on how long he takes to come out. But Linda is scheduled to check in at the hospital at 5 am tomorrow morning to be induced, and I am scheduled to be in Little Rock with River for a follow-up with the ENT. I'm hoping he won't be born until the early evening when I get back into town so I can be present for his birth. Sorry, Linda, but these things take time. I should know.

Waiting for a baby that doesn't seem to be in a hurry is a lot more fun and relaxing when the baby isn't parked in my belly, a week past due. And that is how I have a little sweater for Everett, fresh off the (size 2!) needles and complete with little vintage buttons.





The pattern is on The Purl Bee and I made it with scrap yarn that, of course, I ran out of and had to go and buy another skein to finish. The project details are on my ravelry page.

And now all we need is the little guy to wear it. We're all ready and waiting.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

Inspired by Amanda. 

finding

I made lemon curd today.

For the first time in months, I found myself during nap time with nothing that had to be done and a bagful of meyer lemons begging to be squeezed.

They smelled heavenly, in that healing way.

************

These months have been rough.

When things fall apart, it's not a one time deal. Pieces continue to crumble and the descent is scary. And just when it seems like things can't get worse, they do.

But then there are people whose lovingkindness shines through the murk.

People who send an encouraging email.

People who text me just to check in.

People who deliver a surprise load of firewood and insist we don't pay them for it.

People who give us a car because having a second set of wheels is one thing that will make some of this easier.

People whose generosity is overwhelming.